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Instead of "boyfriend hunting", searching for an exact copy of my ex, why not get out there, enjoy dating, have a good laugh — and, if I felt a connection, some good sex too?
I could be married in five years and I'd never experimented before. This was my chance to see what all the fuss was about. There's a hierarchy of seriousness on the dating sites.
At the top is something like Guardian Soulmates or Match — the ones you pay for. You put in your pictures and add some information if you can be bothered. I started with one line "Single Canadian girl in London". It's superficial, based purely on physical attraction, but that's what I was looking for.
You go through what's there, if you see someone you like, you swipe right. If he swipes you too, it lights up like a game, then asks if you want to keep playing. My first Tinder date was with someone I'd seen before on OKCupid — the same faces crop up on all these sites. He knew all the cool restaurants, the best places and, as he was only in London occasionally, things moved faster than they should have.
After just a few dates, he booked us a night in a fancy Kensington hotel. I met him at a pub first — liquid courage — and knew the second I saw him that my heart wasn't in it. The connection wasn't there for me. Not a great start. But Tinder is addictive. You find yourself browsing and swiping and playing on. The possibilities pile up. I'm ashamed to say it but I sometimes went on three or four dates a week.
It could be to a bar around the corner, or somewhere fabulous — Berner's Tavern, the Chiltern Firehouse. Most of the guys I met were looking for sex, rarely were they after a relationship. With Tinder, I discovered what it could be to have sex then walk away without a backward glance.
Sex didn't have to be wrapped up with commitment, and "will he? It could just be fun. Sometimes I had nothing in common with the guy but there was a sexual spark. In "real life", he was the ultimate knob. He didn't fit with my politics, my views, I'd never have introduced him to my friends. In bed, though, he was passionate, eager, energetic. For a while, we'd hook up every six weeks. But there were a lot of negatives.
It could feel … seedy. Where do you go for sex? I didn't feel comfortable taking someone back to my place, as he'd then know where I lived, and I live alone.
If we went back to his, I'd have no idea what to expect. With "Aldgate East", we had to walk through a pub to get to the bedroom and I swear there was a train going through the lounge. You're trusting people you barely know. After a few dates with "Manchester", I agreed to visit his hotel room next time he was in London. I'd always been diligent about practising safe sex, but he had trouble getting in the mood with the condoms and went against my wishes at the last moment.
The next morning I wrote him an angry text. I've never felt so violated. Most often, though, I didn't have sex at all. I generally left home open to the possibility but found, when my date showed up, that I didn't want to see him again, let alone see him naked. There was no spark, or he was dull or gross or just too pushy. One date chased me to the tube trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Another — who started promisingly — changed after his second drink, spilling a glass of wine on me without apologising, and cutting me off each time I spoke.
It can be harder to walk away when you've met through Tinder. When you're matched, you can spend days — in some cases, weeks, months — exchanging messages, texting and working yourselves up, filling in the gaps with your imagination. By the time you meet, you've both invested so much, you've raised your hopes and his. This sexy and sometimes X-rated take a different stance from traditional apps by offering a collection of men and women who are interesting in a no-strings-attached relationship.
While it might raise the eyebrow of your grandmother or your overly conservative cousin, more and more generations are adopting a casual mindset toward dating. If you find yourself a tad nervous about signing up for an app that allows you to explore your kinks and your fetishes, remember you only have to go as far as you feel comfortable.
Depending on your level of curiosity, you can explore what turns you on by talking about it online or in person, with others who share your same sentiment. Why focus your attention on hookup-specific apps? The good news is we already did the dirty research for you. From the internationally acclaimed FriendFinderX to AdultFriendFinder, the names might speak for themselves, but your experience with their matches will take your satisfaction to a whole new level.
Here, a comprehensive, no-BS guide to ensuring your stress is low and your spirits high:. FriendFinder-X is a hookup site that boasts millions of users around the world.
No doubt about it, FF-X is focused on sex, boasting to users about its ability to get them "casual encounters" and "secret affairs" as well as featuring a live chat feature if you're just looking to sext, not meet up. Considering the focus on sex and not dating, you can be sure fellow members are also there more for casual hookups than for the type of thing where you meet each other's parents and so forth.
Another great option if you're simply looking for a hookup partner is XMatch. If you're looking for someone with a specific kink or turn-on AdultFriendFinder is a great option.